Blood and Bruises
by MoonlightBreeze7
Summary: Alec falls back on his harmful coping mechanism after a mission goes wrong, but luckily, Jace and Izzy are there to stop him on his path to self-destruction. Or, Alec's siblings finally acknowledge his self harm and do their best to help him. Trigger warning for self harm as it is portrayed in the show, excessive exercise/training without care. Rated T to be safe.


**Author's Note: Hey, guys! It's currently morning where I'm at and I didn't sleep all night because I was up writing this fanfiction. So, long story short, I found an actual college essay that someone wrote on Alec Lightwood's self harm, both as canonically portrayed in the show, and written in fanfiction. And it gave me inspiration. I really feel like Alec deserved a better storyline for his self-harm and mental health issues, especially after the suicide attempt in 2x08, so I wrote something I could totally see actually happening on the show. I tried to make everyone as in character as possible, (even though they're probably still super OOC) so please leave me a review or send me a message telling me how you think I did at that, and just how you liked the fic in general. This fic does have a trigger warning attached, as it does portray self harm, but it only does so in the way that the show portrays it - excessive exercise/training without care. Still, there are a lot of mentions of blood, so if this could trigger you, please do not read. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first, lovelies. Surprisingly, this isn't Malec - I was really craving some Jace and Izzy sibling feels after rewatching the rooftop scene between Jace and Alec in 2x05. Sidenote, I may have gotten the colour of Jace and Izzy's eyes wrong. I remember Alec's eyes are blue from the books, but I can't remember what colour theirs are, and I'm colourblind, so the show doesn't help any. I looked it up, but I got conflicting reports, so I'm still not positive about it. If you see it is wrong, feel free to send me a message or drop a review letting me know and I'll be sure to fix it. Anyways, sorry for this ridiculously long author's note! As always, I hope you enjoy this and have a wonderful day/night!**

**~ Em**

"Okay, I'm here," Jace said as he joined Isabelle outside the training room. "What's so important you couldn't tell me over the phone?"

"It's Alec," Isabelle said, and pointed just in front of them, to the training room, which was ablaze with lights despite the late hour. Jace stepped up closer to the door and peered inside. He immediately saw what Isabelle meant.

His parabatai was wailing on a punching bag like it'd killed his family, and he showed no signs of stopping anytime soon.

"He's been like that for hours," Isabelle stated, bringing Jace's attention back to her. "I knocked and called to him and tried to get him to come out, but he wouldn't even look at me, Jace. I don't know what to do here."

Jace sighed, running a hand over his face. "You know this isn't the first time he's done this, right, Izzy?"

She blanched, her expression going snow-white. "Yeah, I know. The day before he almost married Lydia, he trained in here for an hour or so, even though he had that Forsaken wound." She frowned. "He wouldn't let me heal it."

Jace nodded in recognition at her story. "That's right. And then when that demon killed Jocelyn, he shot arrows off the roof all night long. He would have kept going, too, if I hadn't found him. His hand was dripping blood that night, and he wouldn't talk to me." The golden-haired boy laughed bitterly. "He jumped off a fucking roof to avoid me." Jace bit his lip, a dark cloud passing over his alabaster eyes. "You know, when he jumped like that, for a minute there, I thought…" He trailed off.

"You thought what?"

"I thought he had actually, y'know, _jumped_."

Isabelle recoiled in horror. "He would never."

Jace nodded towards the training room, a dark look in his eyes. "Don't be so sure."

"We've got to get him out of there," Isabelle stated plainly after a few seconds had passed. "He's hurting, Jace. We can't just leave him."

"Alright," Jace sighed. "It's your funeral."

The dark-haired girl turned on him with anger in her eyes. "You act like you don't even care!"

Jace recoiled as if she had slapped him across the face. "Of course I care!"

"Then start acting like it!" Isabelle retorted. "You're his parabatai! Go talk some sense into him!"

Jace sighed and said, "I'm not trying to come off like I don't care about what he's doing to himself, Izzy. You know I care. He's my best friend, my brother. I just don't know if we should, that's all. What if he takes it badly and ends up doing worse?"

For a minute, she looked frightened, but then Isabelle's hard resolve was back in a flash. "I guess that's a risk we'll just have to take."

"Okay. I trust you, Izzy."

She snorted as he went to twist the doorknob. "Rookie mistake." She was rewarded by a small, lopsided grin from Jace as they both ducked into the training room.

Jace was disturbed to see that through all of the times he had been privy to Alec's self-destructive tendencies, nothing quite rivaled what met his eyes then.

His parabatai was dressed in black training pants and a loose-fitting t-shirt, and his thick black hair was matted with sweat and clung to his forehead. The punching bag he was still working over, despite their presence in the room, was red leather, which was probably intentional. Despite this, Jace could still make out the darker shade of blood coating the bag. He chanced a quick look at Alec's knuckles in between punches and wasn't surprised to see that they were horribly shredded. Blood seeped out of the raw slivers of skin, dripping into the palm of his hand. Although the blood almost covered his hands entirely, it wasn't enough to stop Jace from noticing the nasty bruises that snaked all the way up to his wrist.

"Alec, stop," he implored his best friend. "Please."

Isabelle did a double take. If there was one thing she thought she was sure of, it was that Jace Wayland did not say 'please'.

"No, Jace," Alec grit out through clenched teeth. "Leave me alone."

Out of options, Jace reached out and caught the punching bag in its tracks. He knew Alec wouldn't dare swing at it now, for fear of knocking his parabatai off his feet.

"Jace, move," Alec said. The hard edge was gone from his voice, and now it was turned over to something along the lines of desperation.

"No, Alec," Jace replied, his jaw set in a straight line. "I won't let you keep hurting yourself like this."

"I deserve it," Alec mumbled.

"What did you say?" Isabelle stepped forward for the first time since she and Jace had entered the training room.

"Nothing," Alec said. "I didn't say anything."

"I think we all heard what you said, brother," Jace said gently. "And it's not true."

"Yes, it is!" Alec shouted. "I let those shadowhunters take on a Greater demon by themselves, Jace, and I never should have! It was a stupid decision and I'm the only one to blame for it. I'm the Head of the Institute, it's my job to make sure they're safe!" His voice broke and wavered as he said, much quieter than before, "They died because of me."

Jace reached out a hand to his parabatai, but Alec was already turning away and reaching for his bow and quiver, which rested behind him in a heap. He strapped the arrows to his back, picked up his bow, and was out the door before either of his siblings had a chance to react.

Jace shook his head at Isabelle, releasing his tight grip on the punching bag. "See what I mean?"

Isabelle ignored him. "Any idea where he's going next?"

"The roof, probably," Jace scoffed, "but I don't know what more you think we're going to be able to do for him up there than we did down here."

"Jace," Isabelle hissed. "The _roof_."

Jace's head snapped up to meet her dark, coal-like eyes. "Izzy, he wouldn't." Despite his words, the older boy couldn't help the cold shiver that ran down his spine.

"You said so yourself," she reminded him. "Don't be so sure."

Jace sucked in a breath slowly. "Iz, he's my parabatai. I think I'd feel it if he was going to do...that."

"Well, for fuck's sake, Jace, we can't just leave him up there!" Isabelle rounded on him angrily. "He's fucking hurting himself and you act like everything is alright!"

"Dammit, Izzy!" Jace wheeled around and threw a single punch to the red bag hanging next to him. When he pulled his hand back and noticed Alec's blood on his fist, he had to fight the urge to be sick.

Jace sank to the floor and buried his face in his hands. "It's not alright," he admitted hoarsely to the girl standing over him. "I know it's not alright. I've known for a while, actually." He peered up over his hands at Isabelle. "He started this shit when we were kids, you know. Whenever Maryse would yell at him, tell him to do better and uphold the Lightwood name and all that shit, he'd come in here at like midnight and train like hell." He chuckled humorlessly. "How do you think he got so good at archery?"

Isabelle took a seat next to him on the floor, the momentary anger at her adoptive brother all but forgotten. "What do we do, Jace?"

The older boy sighed sadly. "I've been asking myself that question for years, Iz."

~ SH ~ SH ~ SH ~

Alec's hand screamed out in protest at the repeated movement of notching his arrow and then releasing it into the night sky, but he ignored it. He reached for another from his quiver and tried to let the pain in his hand guide his mind away from what had happened that afternoon.

Three young shadowhunters, vivacious and eager to please, had requested permission to go on a mission involving a Greater demon; against his better judgment, Alec had agreed. They were the top of their class, and they deserved a chance to prove themselves.

He laughed bitterly to himself as he notched another arrow and let go of the bow string so it soared into the tower five hundred feet away, straight and true.

_Look how well that turned out._

Alec hadn't found out until late that evening; he was about to finish up the last of his paperwork and retire for the night when his aide had come knocking frantically on his door. Apparently, a single Greater demon wasn't the case at all - there were three, and the inexperienced, young shadowhunters had all perished.

Alec flexed his hands, relishing in the pain of the movement. He should have known. Greater demons rarely travelled alone. He should have realised there would be more. He never should have sent the three shadowhunters out to deal with them alone. It was stupid. He was stupid.

He reached a hand back to grab another arrow from his quiver and tried not to grimace at the pain of his injuries.

_I deserve it._

~ SH ~ SH ~ SH ~

Jace was the first to stand, offering a hand to help Isabelle up. She took it, rising to her feet and brushing imaginary dirt from her pants. "Where do we go from here?" she muttered, more to herself than to Jace.

"I don't know," the older boy admitted. "Before, when he did it, I tried to help at first. The pain through our bond would wake me up in the middle of the night sometimes, if it was really bad. I could feel him hurting, Izzy. The turmoil - god, sometimes I'm not even sure how he's made it this far." He shook his head ruefully. "I'd come in here, and I'd beg him to put his bow down, or stop with the punching bag already. But he always ignored me. One time, I tried to manhandle it away from him and drag him back to his room, but that didn't exactly go very well."

"What happened?" Isabelle asked curiously.

"That was the first time he ever punched me."

Despite the situation, Isabelle felt a small smile turn up the corners of her lips. "Yeah, that sounds like him."

"I guess let's just go and see if we can somehow make him listen to us, then," she said to Jace. "I know it seems kind of hopeless, and with Alec, maybe it is, since he's so damn stubborn. But we have to at least try. We can't just leave him up there.

Jace nodded in agreement. "Come on." With that, he led Isabelle out of the training room and up the stairs that led to the roof.

When they reached Alec, neither of them were surprised to see him shooting arrows into the distance. They were surprised, however, to see that there was a small pool of blood at his feet. Isabelle blanched, throwing a sidelong glance at Jace.

_Shit, this is serious._

"Alec," Jace started, walking towards his parabatai slowly, like he was a skittish animal that could be spooked. In a way, Jace supposed, he was. "What happened to those three shadowhunters wasn't your fault. You have to know that."

Meanwhile, Isabelle placed herself directly in front of Alec's target, blocking him from shooting any more arrows.

Alec held his bow rigidly, arrow notched and ready to fire. "Move, Izzy."

She shook her head. "No can do, brother. You're scaring me."

Guilt pooled in Alec's bright blue eyes, but he still didn't put his bow down. "I'm fine," he tried, but Jace cut him off with a harsh, sharp laugh that didn't even sound like a laugh at all.

"Brother, you are so far from fine," he said, coming up close to Alec now. Alec didn't move away, but he refused to acknowledge the other's presence, instead focusing his gaze on his target still, staring at Isabelle as though he could see through her to the high-rise building she blocked.

"Just let us help," Jace begged his best friend. "Please, Alec. You don't have to go through this alone."

The older boy stiffened and drew his bow up higher. "Stop it, Jace. Leave me alone."

"I'm not leaving until you put the bow down, Alec."

The blue-eyed Lightwood dropped his weapon of choice with a clatter. "There. I put the bow down. You happy now?"

"No," Jace murmured, stepping closer to his parabatai. "I'm not happy, because you're not happy." He reached up to cup the side of Alec's face in his palm. Alec stiffened under his touch but didn't pull away.

Isabelle abandoned her place in front of the target and walked over to join her brother and Jace in the middle of the roof.

"Oh, Alec," she murmured when she was close enough to really see the damage he'd done to his hands.

His brow twitched with guilt and his frown deepened. He quickly tucked his hands in his pockets, out of her sight.

"Why do you always do this?" Jace muttered softly. It was a question he wouldn't dare ask his brother any other time, but they'd made more progress tonight than they ever had before.

"I deserve it," Alec mumbled again.

"No, you don't," Isabelle spoke up. "You don't have to take responsibility for every shadowhunter that walks through these doors, Alec. I wish you'd stop being so hard on yourself, big brother."

Alec shrugged, refusing to meet her eyes. "Can't help it, Iz. That's just the way I was made, I guess."

She sighed. "Well, will you please stop? Just for tonight? For us?"

"Please," Jace added, stroking his parabatai's cheek gently. The other boy unconsciously leaned into the touch.

Alec sighed but didn't answer. They let him sit in silence for a few minutes before, suddenly, the black-haired shadowhunter lunged forward and wrapped Jace in the tightest hug he could ever remember receiving.

Though no tears actually fell, they burned at the back of Alec's eyelids, and his shaky breaths told Jace he wanted to break down, but wouldn't do so in front of his little sister. He squeezed his parabatai back hard.

"It's okay, Alec. I've got you."

The other took a deep, shaky breath and released his golden-haired counterpart, rocking back on his heels and surreptitiously swiping at his eyes.

Isabelle crouched next to him and gestured to his bow and quiver. "Can I?"

Alec sighed and nodded once, giving her permission to pick up his weapons and take them back down to the training room. She slung them over her shoulder, kissed him on the cheek, and turned to make her way down the stairs and out of sight.

Jace squeezed his older brother's shoulder and stood up, offering him a hand. Alec took it gratefully, allowing himself to be helped to his feet. Jace winced when he felt Alec's shredded hands come into contact with his own. He pulled his stele from his pocket.

"Can I heal them, Alec? Please?"

Alec ripped his hands from Jace's. "No."

"Okay, okay." Jace held up his hands in acquiescence. "No stele."

Alec relaxed a little bit.

"Come on, let's just go to bed," Jace urged, and Alec allowed himself to be guided downstairs by his parabatai. When they passed Alec's room, however, he turned back to Jace in confusion.

"You're sleeping with me tonight," Jace stated, his tone leaving no room for argument.

Alec rolled his eyes but didn't have it in him to protest. Instead, he followed his brother obediently into his bedroom and got under the covers where, a second later, Jace joined him.

"I love you, Alec," Jace said, reaching a hand out to rest on his brother's parabatai rune.

"I love you, too, Jace." Alec copied his movement and slowly but surely, the two boys drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, when they woke up to Isabelle sleeping soundly between them, Alec found himself feeling a rush of gratitude for his younger sister and his parabatai, who he knew would always be there for him when he needed them, no matter what.

Blood and bruises aside, Alec couldn't ask for a better family.


End file.
